Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My circle of trust is a meatball
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?