My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef