Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I created you as mosquito food.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july