It has been 3 years since Monday.
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why no one uses midhusbands
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Lmbo
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse