Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Coffee for people with no kids
Pigeon open mic night.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.