Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
This why you should mind your business
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips