boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.