66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
#inspiration #foodforthought
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*