Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
You Might Also Like
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
lost dog
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m sure it’s fine.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.