I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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my fav colour is also hitler
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy