[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete