Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You Might Also Like
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
your honor my client chooses dare