People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.