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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies