Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…