Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?