Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
You Might Also Like
So inspired right now.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Selfie