boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
why would tinder want me to say this
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.