My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
me before I type out affect or effect
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now