Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Bit chilly again tonight.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep