An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now