The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Things will get butter, keep churning
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A friend helps you before you need it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)