[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.