GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*checks Timeline*…
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Mornin
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.