Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You Might Also Like
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Good morning!
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
There’s never enough good news
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances