[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.