date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I put the h in mysterious.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.