3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Cannot stop laughing at this
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy