My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
let’s discuss
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.