this is the best day of my life
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French