Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
what the
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”