[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Not😆🤣
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?