If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
What is going on? 😅
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.