Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead