Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.