If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.