Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Meme Monday.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
My Guy
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.