Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Put the is in disheveled
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
LOL!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.