Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
TWEET CALL
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.