landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
What’s a Messi?
This made me smile…
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]