There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.