my one true gender
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
channeling her this year
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds