My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.