DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account