Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Tough love is true love
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.