“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.