“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
You Might Also Like
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless