Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I feel attacked.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
same vibe as tangled headphones