[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You Might Also Like
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids