I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers